I should probably start out by saying that I consider myself a lactivist. I wish that every baby born into this world had a chance to receive breast milk. I believe that every woman should try to breastfeed their babies. Yes, I said TRY. Do not Yoda me. If there are no physical, mental, or medical reasons that would interfere with breastfeeding, they should TRY.
We hear stories all the time about a mother who gave up breastfeeding after a day. After a week. After a month.
“My baby wanted to eat all of the time, he wasn’t getting enough.”
“My milk wasn’t enough, I had a big baby.”
“My milk never came in.”
But how many of these statements are true?
If you’re planning on breastfeeding, or you are breastfeeding now, I have something to tell you: BREASTFEEDING IS HARD. Impossible? Of course not. But it will take work.
Not that my opinion matters, but I wholeheartedly believe that *most* women are physically able to breastfeed. What hurts those physically abled mothers is lack of access to information and lack of support. If you educate yourself and find some supportive people to surround you, chances are, you will make enough milk to nourish your baby, and maybe even more than enough.
But then there are the *other* women. The women who legitimately cannot make enough milk to sustain their babies. The women with milk that lacks the fat needed to keep their babies thriving. The women who nursed their babies for hours and hours on end, and still had hungry infants at their empty breasts. The women who sat in the office of a lactation consultant and cried after finding out their babies weren’t even getting half an ounce after a 30 minute nursing session. The women who cannot exclusively breastfeed, despite their best and sincerest efforts.
I am one of those other women, and to the lactivists out there everywhere, I am saying this: Chill out.
I’m not telling you to stop supporting women in trouble. After all, it takes a lot of support and advice to determine whether or not a woman has a legitimate supply issue, or if they aren’t doing what is needed to maintain their milk supply. I would not have nursed my baby girl for over 10 months if it hadn’t been for the encouragement and advice I received from my lactivist friends. I am very grateful the their time and effort.
My experience with a low supply made me realize something; We are jaded. So. Incredibly. Jaded. We have heard so many false stories, about women who have given up breastfeeding because of an apparent ‘low supply’, that it’s hard for us to acknowledge when someone may have a legitimate supply issue.
With my first child, I suspected a low supply due to the fact that my son did not void for over 24 hours and was showing signs of dehydration. However, I never had it confirmed because I was so overwhelmed with other things going on with my life at the time that I just gave up.
With my daughter, I was going to breastfeed. Oh, I wasn’t going to try to breastfeed; Oh no. I WAS GOING TO EXCLUSIVELY BREASTFEED MY DAUGHTER. No formula, only breast milk. After seeing so many people roll their eyes at women with a 'low supply', I assumed that I had simply not tried enough with my son. But when she was born, I had quite the rude awakening. Babies are good at giving those. If she wasn't nursing, she was crying. She would only sleep for 15-30 minutes here or there because she had to nurse all the time. I mean, ALL THE TIME. She always had to be in my arms. Thankfully, wearing her would keep her quiet for longer periods. It was my only means of sanity. I was told all of this was normal. I was so frustrated. This could not be normal. Where was that milk drunk baby? Where are the pictures of a blissfully sleeping newborn? I have none.
At her 10 day weight check, she had lost weight, and was now a pound under her birth weight. I have never felt so discouraged in my entire life. I wanted to scream right there in the office. I had done everything everyone said. I had nursed her, eaten right, had plenty of fluids... All of that for nothing.
At the lactation consultant’s office, after a lengthy feed, she was only getting 12 ml. That’s not even half an ounce. I tube fed her some formula, and for the first time ever, she was alert. She looked into my eyes, and I looked back. I felt like I was seeing her for the first time.
To make a long story short, over the next 10 months, I did everything that was recommended to me to increase my milk supply. Supplements, medications, pumping, using a SNS… I did it all. And in the end, it still was not enough.
I’m fortunate that I had enough support to get to just over 10 months of breastfeeding. But you know what? If I had the chance to do it over again, I wouldn’t try so hard. I feel like I made everyone miss the first 10 months of my daughter’s life because I was so caught up in how she was being fed. Other people could rarely hold her because she always had to have me. I spent a ridiculous amount of time feeding her every day. I couldn’t work out because it further diminished my supply, which left me hating the leftover pounds I couldn’t shake. My house was almost always a wreck. I was stressed. I sacrificed my relationship with my husband, and my son. Even my relationship with myself. Oh how I wish I could go back and spend less time nursing and more time cuddling my first born. More time enjoying my daughter. More time enjoying my life.
I was trying so hard to make it to that glorious one year mark. Then it would be ‘OK’ to stop. I felt so pressured every time I had to give her a bottle in public. I felt like everyone was silently judging me. I wanted to scream at them “I DON’T MAKE ENOUGH BREAST MILK TO FEED MY BABY! SHE’S BREASTFED, SHE REALLY IS!!” What a sad way to live.
I will not deny the powers of breast milk. In almost every case, it is the best thing for our babies. But it was not the best thing for me. When I finally decided to quit, it was because of the gentle nudging of an online friend. She, too, had had breastfeeding issues, and she made me feel like I could stop. She gave me my life back, and I will forever be grateful to her. I cried during our last nursing session, but not because I was sad that I would not nurse her again; It was because I was angry that I had failed. I was angry that my body had failed me. She loved nursing so much, and I couldn’t do it anymore. Even one missed session was damaging to my supply. It was all or nothing, and I had nothing left.
Yes, it frustrates me when women who are fully capable of nursing don’t even try, or when women give up so easily. But that’s not my call. We can’t let women who don’t stick it out taint our image of every mother who is concerned about a supply issue. We are making mothers feel like failures. We are making them feel like awful mothers if they do not breastfeed. We are making them ashamed to stop, and embarrassed to admit when they have stopped. We are making them choose breastfeeding over their sanity, over their life. Dramatic? Perhaps. You spend 10 months constantly nursing a baby while maintaining a household and taking care of a family, and then let me know how you feel.
To the lactivists out there: Keep fighting the good fight. Keep offering encouragement to pregnant and nursing mamas. But, don’t be so quick to assume that someone who thinks they have a legitimate supply issue is just not trying hard enough. Encourage them early on to meet with lactation consultants, preferably an IBCLC. In my situation, I feel like everyone was so quick to think what was going on was normal that they didn’t think to encourage me to go have a pre/post weight done. By Day 10 I was exhausted, and it was hard to recover from that. I wish I had thought to go have that done a few days earlier. Know that your words carry more weight than you think.
Love ya, Kelly. I'm sorry it was so hard for you.
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